Funny horoscopes scorpio


Scorpio Comedians

Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans. You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo.


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Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink.

Scorpio Sexual Compatibility: Obsessive and Intuitive in Bed

This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo.

Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell.


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If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. You are a pain in the ass. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet.

No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings.

Yeah who cares about "social life" ew | i'm a scorpio | Zodiac signs, Zodiac, Zodiac signs gemini

The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius.

That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside.

He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ass. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. After that, he went all Leo. You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide.

Scorpio Detective

Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts.

Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras.

You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower.

Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm.

It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke.

Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question.

Pisces and Scorpio Love Compatibility

This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. Scorpio and Pisces both live empathetically and seek true, profound commitments, and this connection will keep the ties strong and their love enduring. Looking for guidance? Consult a spiritual advisor now.

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